Michelle Getting Healthy

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.  - Lao Tzu

I really like the Lao Tzu quote above- I feel like the more I do yoga, and journal, and meditate, and nourish my body with the movement and good nutrition and less stress, the more I feel like I am coming in touch with who I am, and what I want from life.  Tuesday night’s 40 Days class was a great way to bring together everything I had been working on that week, and I really liked the opportunity to sit and chat with a smaller group of fellow warriors about our individual paths.  Sitting in community to talk and share, to write, to practice postures, and to meditate is really incredible, and informs my whole week of self practice.

I also really enjoyed Wednesday night’s gentle class with Sheila, where the room was full of people and there was an incredible energy in the air.  Tonight, for Day 9, I stepped back into the “other room” to go to the moderate class taught by Jane instead of staying in my comfort zone with Shiela’s gentle practice across the hall.  Before I had even signed up for the 40 Days, Aimee said that I *had* to take a class with Jane because she thought I’d really like her.  My wife knows me well.  Jane has a gentle humor and good spirit that infused that class, and I felt comfortable really trying the poses, modifying where I needed to.  I sweated, I stretched, I sighed, I more than once bumped hands or feet or knees with Aimee and giggled, and I tried.  I did not say “I can’t”.  I was able to release a lot of the stress of the day, and left feeling wonderful.  I’m so excited to be discovering new things that challenge and excite me, and to have my family’s support.  Ian and Aimee (and a couple of our friends, too) went to a couple of the 7AM morning flow yoga classes this week, and we used money from Ian’s bonus and that Aimee and I received for Mother’s Day to buy a class card for them.  Having my family join me on this journey- meditating with me, cooking healthy food with me, running with me, on the mat next to me at home and in the studio (or shala, as Sheila refers to it, which I just found out means “house” in Sanskrit).

Today Aimee and I took some of my birthday money to buy a couple of shirts with the Heartsong logo, which I’m incredibly excited about.  I look forward to wearing my Heartsong Yoga t-shirt into the world to be an ambassador for a place and spirit I believe in, the same way I wear my shirts from River Valley Market, Montague Book Mill, Raven Used Books, races I’ve run…  People stop and ask me about the places/things I wear all the time, and I love sharing their stories with them.

***

The focus of our nutritional exercises this week includes thinking about processed vs. more natural foods, and how they make us feel.  This is something I have thought about quite a bit over the past few years, and my consumption habits have changed over that time, and continue to change quite a bit as I eat a more vegan diet.  One of the things that I really like about my workplace is our focus on the triple bottom line of financial, social, and environmental factors (or as our Board president have put it, people, planet, and profit).  It’s not just about running a business to make the most money as possible, but it’s also about the social and environmental impact of those decisions.  I remember a couple of years ago, I really understood the full impact of buying conventional versus buying organic for the first time.  I had heard of the dirty dozen, and it was brought up again in class today- the 12 foods you should always try to buy organic, since they retain the most of the harmful sprays etc. in the conventional growing process.  I had always thought about my organic vs. conventional food buying practices based on my personal finance- both money and health budget.  I would decide what I could afford financially (different now in a 4 income family than when I was a single grad student!), and what I could afford energetically for my health through the nutrients and chemicals and calories, balancing organic and conventional purchasing.  However, as I started to better understand the business of food through working at a locally and organic focused food co-op, I started to realize that the “financial” impact on my wallet, waistline, and health were only a small part of the equation, for me.  I also started to realize that even if a food didn’t fall into the dirty dozen, the practices that made an organically grown fruit or veggie had an impact on the environment in which they were grown, as well as on the health and wellbeing of the workers involved in the manufacture of the products for sale.

Furthermore, what I buy is voting with my dollars- in support of a more sustainable future and a strong local economy, or for the support of large corporations and environmental degredation.  Of course, that is an oversimplification and exaggeration, but my purchasing now is much different now that those things enter my mind when I pick up a piece of food.  I look at how many miles my food has travelled and the impact that has, and I try to buy local, organic, and in season whenever possible, focusing on local (with practices I support), then organic/conventional, when making my choices.  One of my highlights of the summer is when our CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) share through Red Fire Farm starts, and we have fresh local organic veggies every week.  I know that I feel better not just physically but mentally and emotionally when my buying and consumption habits are aligned with my values of nonharming and mindful consumption.

***
And a few random things:
Two days ago marked 150 days until the half marathon.  150 days.  I am hoping to take time for a run this weekend.  I think that focusing on yoga right now is the right choice, but I’m hoping I can take some time to map out some time for runs next week when I calendar this weekend.

I’ve been wearing my new Bodymedia bands for two days now, and it is absolutely fascinating and completely changing the way I see food and understand my bodys needs.  From my calorie burn, to sleep patterns, to activity levels over the day, there have been major surprises.  The band that can with the band is a little too tight, so ordered a larger strap with a zebra print, because if I have to size up, it might as well look fabulous  I will definitely be sharing more about this, soon.

Life is good.  I wear t-shirts with that slogan all the time, because I really believe it.  I remember being in junior high and my teacher used to tease us about the sweatshirts
that were popular at the time, asking, “Do you want the world to think you’re a Bum, or a Champion?”  For some reason that has stuck for me in a twisted way that makes me seek out happy clothes with positive messages.

I can’t believe I’m already one week in to the 40 days!  The title for Week One was “Come into Your Body,” and the program definitely gave me a lot of opportunities to do just that.  Yoga, meditation, journaling, and nutritional awareness have given me different ways to be with my body, and to integrate my body with my mind and spirit.

One of the excavation questions that I found really interesting this week was, “Where in my life am I hiding?  In other words, where do I privately know that I need to take more responsibility and/or become fully present?”  My initial reaction was less about hiding parts of me from others and more about hiding from myself, especially hiding the truth of my life from myself.  There are definitely areas I need to take more responsibility for my behaviors, my feelings and reactions, where I have escapist patterns.  I have seen myself do this again and again my life- a pattern of indulging blindly and often mindlessly, and then coming to awareness and not understanding how the consequences of my actions could possibly be!  This has happened in relation to finances and material consumption, for example, where I’d go on a spending binge and then get the credit card statement and wonder how the heck the balance got so high when I had “only bought a couple of things”?  One of the ways that I started to change this habit was to start tracking- to this day, every penny that I spend is tracked weekly in Quicken, so that I have an outside tool to show my my spending patterns so that I can be more mindful with my next choices.

Over the past few months I have realized that my relationship with food is a huge place I had been hiding the truth from myself, and engaging in this pattern of indulgence followed by disbelief at the results.  How could I possibly have gained 5 lbs in a month when I had been SO GOOD?  Because I remembered the salads for lunch, the only having half my fries, stopping at one beer…  and forgot the 6 times I ate out in one week (each a “special occasion”) and having dessert 2 nights out of 3.  (But I shared it so the calories magically fell out, right?)

I started tracking my food daily a few months ago, at first through Weight Watchers and now through Lose It.  It’s amazing to me how often I go “oh yeah, I ate that!” at the end of the day when I look back.  I’m pretty much in the habit of “writing before biting”- filling out my log before the food goes in my mouth.  Even so, with that mindful moment, I find I do all sorts of mental tricks to help myself forget that second serving I didn’t record but just went for.  And when I choose to eat without logging first?  Watch out!  I can forget entire meals- black out that delicious cupcake into nonexistence.  But the body knows, and remembers, and reflects the action, and part of what I am hiding from is the shame I have been taught to feel when I indulge in things I have told myself I shouldn’t.  The same things happen when I tell myself “it’s just a little bit of gluten” or “it’s only a bite (or ten) of dairy,” and then my body wallops me back into consciousness by letting me know it’s very unhappy with that choice.

I have started to use the “I can’t track because XYZ” excuse less, because I’ve told myself that if I have time to check Facebook or my email, I have time to track, and when I pick up my phone, I see the Lose It icon right there and go, oh, yeah. Friends don’t mind, and neither does family- and I make sure to let them know that I am not playing a game or texting, I’m taking a moment of my health.  They would never get annoyed for me stopping to take medicine at a meal (nor did they, when I had Lyme disease), so why would they balk at this exercise essential to my health?

I’m also practicing other disciplines around food consumption to help my body learn new patterns and to begin to understand my hunger versus cravings, so I can better understand my eating for nutrients versus eating for pleasure versus eating to self-medicate versus eating for entertainment.  I find the more I stop judging myself for the habits, the easier it is for them to begin to change.  The less I berate myself for feeling a certain way and eating a cookie in response, which then leads to more negative feelings, the more I’m able to just sit with the initial feeling and not run to the cookie.

One of the disciplines I’m working with is checking in with myself about my hunger, and eating, at regular intervals- between 7-9AM, 11-1PM, 3-5PM, and 7-9PM, trying to keep my consumption to about a 12 hour window.  This means that I end up eating twice at work, and twice after, where in the past I had a habit of grazing all day at work (and I don’t blame myself, with all the incredible food options!) and then grazing when I got home, eating dinner and then then grazing until bedtime, with some long penitent stretches of food avoidance, for good measure, of course.

I find that I don’t really crave a big breakfast, so I end up eating fruit/nuts or sometimes a vegan GF protein shake, or even a cup of vegetable soup; lunch is a vegan salad or soup with beans or nuts; dinner is mostly some sort of whole grain, some veggies, beans.  These are the defaults I’m resetting myself to, and they seem to be coming pretty naturally because eating like this helps my body feel good.  The less I give into the midafternoon chocolate/potato chip/cookie binge that used to hit a lot at work due to stress and fatigue, the less I end up hitting those moments.  And when I do, I have almonds at my desk, as well as blueberry green tea.  Most of the time,a few almonds and some warm, soothing tea are all I need.

And sometimes, I have the cookie.  I do not plan on living a cookieless life.  As Renee reminded us in class tonight,  from our readings, there is a difference between healthy food and wholesome food- it’s not just about the nutrition, it’s about feeding ourselves on all levels.  Tonight, after eating about 500 calories during the day of a lot of fruits and veggies with some nuts, seeds, and healthy fats, I came home from yoga and decided I wanted an Amy’s Rice Macaroni and Cheeze (made with Daiya).  It is gluten-free vegan comfort food that feeds my soul (but doesn’t make me sick), perfect after a long and rainy day.  I put the meal in my tracker before I ate it and noticed that it had more calories than everything else I had consumed today.  Instead of making grand judgements against myself and eating the meal in a fit of guilt and self-shaming, I enjoyed it.  I put on some chipotle hot sauce, I sat at the table, and I enjoyed every bite.  I suggested to Aimee that maybe in the future when we had a craving for it, we could make a container and mix in some frozen cauliflower and split it, with a big green salad on the side.

It’s been a week of good work.  I am proud of myself.  I look forward to seeing what the remaining 33 days hold in store for me and my fellow journeywomen!

Today as I got in and out of my car, as I walked up the stairs at work what felt like a billion times, I was reminded of Saturday’s yoga class- in my legs, in my sides, in my arms.  Talk about a mindfulness reminder!  Every movement reminded me that I am held together and propelled by these glorious muscles I have not paid much attention to over the years.  I made sure to go to yoga today- a gentle class, with an instructor, Lyn, I had not yet met.  After Saturday’s class I was feeling a little bit nervous- I was sore… would I be able to participate?  As soon as I eased into Lyn’s class, I knew I would be fine.  It felt with every movement, my body was thanking me- both for challenging myself this weekend, and for the gentle work I was doing today.  I did have the heat raise in my body, I did sweat, I did breathe, I did move, and I did meditate at the end of class.  It felt wonderful.  Every day I feel a little more sure that I should have a daily yoga practice for my optimum health and wellbeing.

Part of what I found really fascinating about Lyn’s class today was that a lot of the movements were ones I had done in the Ashtanga class, only modified and slowed way down.  It felt like a foundational class, a way to build my strength and to help my body learn the proper alignment and memory to carry to other classes.  Yes, my body hurt, but I only did enough to challenge but not hurt myself.  Tonight, a couple hours later, I actually feel much better than I did earlier in the day.  I am so glad I worked my work schedule out to be able to go to this class for the next stretch of time.

As I have done yoga over the past couple of days, I am noticing some of the changes that my body has undergone in the past 45 lbs.  One of the excavation questions in this week’s readings for the 40 Days was “What are my beliefs about my body?: Do I believe it serves me well?”  As soon as I read the list of questions, all of which got me to think about the things I have been working on in, this one really stood out to me.  I think that above all my beliefs about my body, until very recently, have been overwhelmingly negative.  I am fat, I am weak, I am klutzy, I am too wide, too slow, too much.  Recently, as I have started to move more, I have found my feelings about my body shifting.  I feel like I’m becoming more detached, in a way that I can look at my body more objectively and say, hey, look there- my calf muscle is becoming more defined.  Look at that, my belly is hanging down much less.  Wow, this shirt is fitting much looser in my arms.  Less judgemental, more observant.  But I am also definitely creating a sense of wonder at what my body can do- it is serving my desire to experience movement well.  However, the biggest feeling this question brought up for me was one of joy over the fact that I am starting to move, more and more, to serving my body in better ways.  Rather than thinking about my I serve my body, I am thinking about how I can- and do- serve it.  I am starting to hold my body in reverence, as important a part of my existence as my emotions, my intellect, my spirit- all of which I’ve always strived to develop.  For the first time, I’m understanding how paying attention to my body plays into those things; how the parts of myself intersect and inform each other.

But this brings with it feeling of shame- for not doing this sooner, for having abused my body the way I have- when I see the skin on my upper arms and belly, my legs, or belly.  I know that as I lose weight, they will not regain the elasticity I would like after 20+ years of being stretched out.  It has always been one of my huge fears about wieght loss- if I’m honest with myself, perhaps one of the biggest factors that I stop doing well when I reach a point where my body starts to shift.  Part of it is the fear that I will do all this work and feel less comfortable or  attractive in the end- that is terrifying to me!  Part of my has always used my fat as a crutch, a way to downplay my attractiveness, a blanket to keep the world at a safer distance.  My family has assured me that if I lose weight and keep it off that they will help me figure out next steps for the aftermath (my words, not theirs).  But that is small consolation, since it as much about the huge unknowns involved.

One of the other questions was, Where in my life am I flirting with disaster?  My first thought was that I HAD been flirting with disaster by ignoring my health, opting for the fries and the gluten and dairy filled foods, despite how it made my body feel.  But I also realize that I absolutely need to face my fear about losing weight if I’m to be successful.  This is as much about working on my head- rewiring my synapses, creating new patterns and expectations, as it is working with my body.  We’re now gathered in the living room watching Weight of the Nation: Consequences together.  It is giving me a lot to think about in terms of how obesity works and affects the body.  I’m so lucky I have great folks around me on this same journey.

On Saturday morning, bright and early at 6AM, I got up to get ready to go to a yoga class, to keep my promise of 40 days of yoga practice in 40 days.  Because we had plans to go to the Northampton Pride festival for the day, I knew I either had to do a home practice with the DVD we received for the 40 Day program, or I could do something I had never done.  I opted to conquer my fear and go to Mick’s 7AM All-levels Ashtanga class with Aimee.  I had never done a yoga class above a beginner, gentle, or all-levels class in the 15+ years I have practiced yoga.  Over time I convinced myself that I just couldn’t do it, that trying would expose me as a fraud and be a sure avenue to failure.  I repeated this limiting belief to myself, expressed to others (especially Aimee) when they encouraged me to try a moderate class, or Ashtanga.  Aimee had practiced Ashtanga regularly before she got pregnant, but had not been back since.

So we got there, we introduced ourselves to Mick (who was welcoming and encouraging, and gave great modification suggestions as we continued through the class).  And then I did something I have never done- I went into the “other room” at Heartsong.  I had never been in this room before- with a hardwood floor rather than a rug, with heaters… just walking in filled me with fear.  But I laid out my mat, I laid out my props (which Aimee assured me I’d need).  Mick asked me if I was familiar with ujjayi breathing and bandhas, and I responded that I was.  He said that beyond that, the Ashtanga practice for the day would be as hard as I made it- and my response was, isn’t that true of most of life?

And class started, and I dug in.  As I held about the 5th downward dog for 5 breaths within the first in 5 minutes, my thought was, “Oh my god, what have I gotten myself into?”  What I had gotten myself into was the most challenging yoga experience I had ever had, and I continued to do what I could, to the best of my ability, throughout the class.  I didn’t do everything perfectly, but I tried.  I learned.  I moved.  About halfway through class, I realized how much harder I was working, although very different, from the previous weekend’s 5K run.  It was tough. I was dripping sweat.  At times I got panicky, but Mick’s reminders to come back to the proper breathing helped immensely.  It was all so new, but I was there, I was present, I was trying.  It kicked my ass, but as I laid in shavasana at the end of class, I could feel my body felt alive in a way it rarely does.  I learned new things about what the body I am in now can and cannot do.  Aimee was right that I would enjoy some of the ritualized nature of the class, and that I would enjoy the idea of repetition over time.  I’m not sure when or if I will take another Ashtanga class again, but I am glad I tried this one.

After Aimee and I got home, we got ready and headed to Northampton Pride, where we ended up walking at least 5 miles over the day, back and forth between the fairgrounds and town, including marching in the parade.  By Saturday night, I was exhausted- deservedly so!
But when I woke up this morning, at 6AM again because of obligations… OH when I woke up this morning.  Oy.  I took painkiller before I even got out of bed.  I could feel it hurt to breathe, hurt to move.  I laughed at myself, and laughing hurt.  I unfurled myself from bed, and I felt what seemed to be every muscle in my body, aching.  I had a graduation ceremony, Mother’s Day lunch, and family BBQ to attend.  I took a hot shower and eased into the day.  Crossing my legs hurt, as I sat in the car (I never realized how much I use my abdominals for that!)  Sitting on the folding chairs at the graduation ceremony hurt (and so I got up and stood through parts of it).  Sitting in the car as we commuted from Springfield to Worcester to Franklin to Providence and back to Springfield hurt.  And I knew, looming at the end of my long day, was the expectation of practicing yoga.  Which I did, gently, and not for very long.  I watched the 40 Day video and learned from it, even as I was only able to participate at 30%.  I made it through about 40 minutes before I collapsed into a pile of tears on the bedroom floor.  I was not pushing myself to the point of pain, but it was more the fear of the pain, and the fear of having pushed past a huge fear the day before.  I also have been feeling like I barely understand my body, and am rediscovering parts of myself I haven’t seen in years, or that I haven’t known existed in the past 33 years.

As I realize that so many of the things I tell myself are just not true- when I say I can’t do something, that I am too much or not enough or something- I feel like I’m breaking apart inside.  I know that growth is often painful, and this feels like one of those times.

I have other reflections- on the role meditation has been playing in my week, in my mindful food choices and observations (especially with all the dining out this weekend), and they will have to wait.  It’s been a long weekend after a long week, with a long week ahead.  I wish I had thought to take some work time off during this process, but I really did not realize how much hard work this would be.  Important, needful work, but hard work.

And it’s only day 5.

“We are the same human flesh. I want happiness; you also want happiness.” – The Dalai Lama

By Fridays, I find that the stress of the week has pulled my shoulders up firmly around my ears, and it takes most of the weekend to bring them back down. This week I felt a little different, having practiced yoga Tuesday through Wednesday, having meditated, and having eaten in ways that weren’t self-harming through the week. I made sure that even though I slept in to recover from the late night, I awoke to do my morning meditation, for the 5 minutes I had promised. I find that meditation sessions shorter than about 15 minutes are difficult for me- I need the settling in time, about 5 minutes, to begin to really be with my breath instead of a constant stream of to-do and thoughts about thoughts.

I had survived a 10 hour work day on Thursday, and so I knew I only needed to work 6 hours Friday if that’s what I thought would be best. As the 6th hour drew closer at work, and I had completed my major tasks, I decided that 40 hours was enough work for one week, and I packed up my things and said goodbye to work for the weekend. This left me with enough time for an hour and a half walk with Aimee and Connor, running some errands in our neighborhood. For a while, we had Connor walk between us, and at one point he went over to a clover flower, picked it, and then turn to hand it to me. My son picked me a flower! It was a beautiful moment and I started to get teary. Then he leaned over, picked up some dirt and rocks, and turned with the same satisfied look on his face to hand them to me. It was a moment to remember that the spirit of a gift is as much in the act of giving as in the gift itself! I’m glad that my active lifestyle is allowing me more of an energy allowance during the days. In the past, knowing I had a yoga class to attend later that day, I would have not done any other physical activity earlier, and I might have missed out on that moment.

My evening yoga class was a practice in letting go of expectations- when I went to sign in, it wasn’t the instructor I expected. I took a breath and let go of any anxiety about the unknown that rose in me, and went into class and got on the mat. I recognized the instructor, Lisa- I think I might have taken a class with her when she was filling in with someone before. I let myself be open to the experience, and had a wonderful class.

One of the things I have been thinking about since the seminar I took a few weeks ago with Randall Williams from Kripalu on the Yama and Niyamas is ways you can practice untruthfulness by lying to yourself with limiting beliefs. These are the “I can’t”s that spring into your thoughts, that are often more actually “I won’t”s or “I choose not to”s. I have been more conscious of the ways this manifests in my life, and have been trying to try everything and not say I can’t. I was surprised what I could do when I tried. My body has been fatigued and sore, but not in the pushed too far way, in the gentle exploration and challenge way.

I’ve been paying more attention to my food patterns, and have been noticing a lot more than just whether something has gluten or animal product on it. I find that I crave soup in the morning, and that I really enjoy savory early on. I’ve never been one for sweet breakfasts in the morning, but I also also had never allowed myself soup because it wasn’t a “breakfast item”- despite knowing that many cultures start their day with soup. I had a veggie lentil brothy soup with Rawmesean and hot sauce on it, and it was just what I wanted, along with some blueberry green tea. I also find that I crave something like a salad for lunch- today was a sea weed salad, and early dinner was a bowl of the sprouted lentil and wild rice cold salad with grapes, cranberries and pecans Aimee made earlier in the week, with a glass of soy milk and a bit of dark chocolate. I find that crave sweet at the end of meals, and that a square or two of good quality really dark chocolate is really satisfying, where I used to think I needed a lot more than that. Dinner was miso soup, a couple vegetable sushi rolls, along with red wine. Right now I’m trying to record everything, notice patterns where I can, and hope to begin delving further into analysis so I can learn more as time goes on.

A busy weekend lies ahead- Saturday is Northampton Pride and a dessert party for a housemates graduation, and Sunday is Mother’s day eating out and BBQ (and will be my first practice at home day). I wish I had scheduled in more downtime at the beginning of this 40 Days, but that is a perpetual challenge for me- one that I’m sure I’ll end up writing more about!

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. – Theodore Roosevelt

I took the 9AM Gentle Yoga class with Joanne today because I have to be at work 12-9 for a Board Meeting tonight.  I had been wishing the 7AM classes were already in session, but it was great to try a different instructor and move my body in new ways.  I found that I am definitely sore from a couple days straight of even a gentler practice, and know that that will increase as my muscles remember and learn new things.  One of the things that Joanne brought up more than once was the idea of breathing in the positive and breathing out the negative.  A friend used to say, taking a deep breath, “In the with the Hindu… out with the Hitler” and that has stuck with me as a comical way to remember to breathe and be present, to let out the negative and to breathe in the positive.

I did find that using some props today- blocks to extend the length of my arms for upward pushes for poses like pigeon, my strap for grasping behind my back- was helpful for me, helping me maintain proper alignment and also get in some great stretches.  When I let go of ego that says I shouldn’t “have to” use these things, and let myself be gentle with myself, I find I can go much further.  My body is round and short, and so some poses that would work on someone taller or thinner do not work the same way for my body.  I’d like to find a book I once saw at the bookstore at Kripalu that was pose modifications for bigger bodies, but I haven’t been able to find it again.

I had meditated with Ian for 15 minutes this morning to start my day, and I found that shavasana at the end of class plus ten minutes of seated meditation following really felt wonderful.  I had been really stressed yesterday, but woke up this morning feeling peaceful and grateful to have another day ahead of me.  I do think that meditation is a crucial component for me, and that I benefit from a practice that has me meditating in the morning to welcome the day, in the evening to say goodnight, and sometimes in the middle as a reminder to slow down and be.

I have found that my mindfulness around food is shifting, and after reading the nutritional advice from Renee (the fabulous Renee Hastings http://www.hastingshealthyliving.com/ who is our nutritional guide for the 40 Days) I’ve begun to think about how far I have come, and how far I can still travel in terms of the healthiest diet that will support the lifestyle I want.  For instance, last night Aimee had made a phenomenal sprouted rice and lentil salad with pecans, cranberries, and grapes in a vinaigrette, and laurel made a stew with yams, green beans, and black beans.  But we also had diet soda with the meal, and some gluten-free sesame rice crackers.  Thinking about the nutritional value of the crackers, which is not much, made me think about my desire to consume them and what they added to my meal.  They added salt and crunch, while the soda added sweet and wet.  So part of my challenge is to think ahead to how I can more healthfully fulfill these cravings, such as herbal tea with natural sweetener for the sweet and wet, and kale chips for the salt and crunch.  We also ended up going out for appetizers and drinks, and I made the mindful decision to stick to water despite three gluten-free beer options (thank you, Wood & Tap!), and carefully chose which appetizers I ate.  I found that I woke up not feeling weighted down or groggy, and so I think I made some good choices.  Tonight, after a stressful day and not eating for an 6-hour stretch in the middle of my long work day, I found that while I made good choices I ate more than I would have had I not been so ravenous.  I also found that it was very hard to stop eating the chocolate that was in front of me during our long board meeting.  I knew that it was better than some choices- it was Organic Very Dark Chocolate (71% Cacao) from Equal Exchange, which is vegan and gluten-free.  But sugar is sugar, and I was eating less out of conscious choice for nourishment and more medicinally to placate my stress.  I did make sure to snag the wrapper so I could accurately log it in my Lose It account.  Two steps forward, one step back, but still on the path!

One the puzzle pieces I am trying to figure out is when and how I will have time for running during the 40 Day program.  I sat with myself yesterday to figure out whether it is essential for me to keep up with my running discipline during this process, and my conclusion is that it is.  I think I am going to try to do a 3 day a week Couch to 10K program, and focus on getting running in the 3 days a week of training, and just try to keep moving through the yoga and some walking on the other days of the week.  I have a couple of 5Ks scheduled (the Color Me Rad run in Hartford on May 26th and the Red Dress Run in Hartford on July 7th.  I’ve also committed to the Bridge of Flowers 10K on August 11 in Shelburne Falls, MA.    It will be my first 10K, and my next step in half marathon training.  Only 155 days to go until I hit the road for 13.1 miles in Hartford!  (Ok, even just TYPING that is terrifying!)

Overall, I am feeling really positive.  It was a long day, but I got a lot of good work done, and I’m feeling like I am on a good path.  I hope you all had wonderful days, as well.

Always do what you are afraid to do. -Emerson

Yesterday was the start of the 40 Days to a Life Makeover I am doing through Heartsong Yoga, and after our first session last night I am even more excited than I was before I had all the details!  This is the 6th iteration of the program, and I have been wanting to do it since I first heard of it.  My head and nerves have always told me it’s not the right time, it’s too much money, you’re too fat/not strong enough/too out of shape, you’re too busy, etc.  But in keeping with my recent life evolutions, I decided to take a good hard look at my resistance and not so amazingly, if you’ve been following along, the excuses and impediments fell away and I find myself having taken the 40 Day Promise.

I went in yesterday feeling energized and excited.  I was overwhlemed with joy seeing almost 30 women in the room, coming in to share in this journey together, in a spirit of community and adventure.  How awesome is that?  As each of shared our stories, I felt my heart grow a little bit.  Each of us had come to the program with our own baggage and experience, for our own reasons, but despite it all (and in many ways, because of it all), we had made it there, to that circle, to begin.   Our leaders came to us in the spirit of teacher-students with student-teachers- we will all learn and grow from each other.  I realized last night as I brought home my new course packet of a DVD, journal, book, and handouts that it felt like the beginning of a new semester for me- a feeling I haven’t really had since I left graduate school 4 years ago and stopped teaching and being in classes, and to me, it is pure magic.  I thrive on structure and discipline, on paths for growth and exploration that are shared with others, on opportunities where I can be both a leader and a follower.

Some of the commitments I have made include:
*Practicing yoga every day for the 40 days, whether in the studio or at home
*Meditating daily
*Mindful eating
*Self-inquiry and observation
*Journaling exercises
*Seeking out positive surroundings
*Stepping outside my comfort zone
… among others.

But I think the one promise that made me choke up a bit was that I will hold a space within myself for self-love, self acceptance, and faith.  I have a feeling that this will be one of my biggest challenges.  As positive as I have been on this journey, I still work every day on the voices inside me, with their almost constant negative beration.  I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I am self-abusive, and that as I do this work I realize how many ways this manifests in my life and spills over into my relationships with others. From how I have eaten and not exercised, to the stories I repeat over and over to myself about how fat and weak and stupid I am, to not setting limits on my time and energy, to the constant criticism I level on my every thought, decision, and action… I deserve better!  I know this, I believe this, and I am working on this.  Part of my challenge with the 40 Days is to remember to “be where I am at all times”- to let go of the past AND of the future, and to realize and reiterate and remember that I am perfect, as I am, right now, in this moment- in every moment.  This does not mean I shouldn’t work, but I shouldn’t place my sense of self worth on how many miles I’ve run this week or how many calories I didn’t eat or how many minutes I’ve meditated each day.  Part of this practice for me is to remember that I am a sacred being, and that I need to hold myself in reverence the way that I do other sentient beings.

And so, today, I woke up to an email about work that sent me reeling into a very negative place, and instead of bringing that energy into my day, I sat down to meditate after setting the intention of sending love and peace to all of my colleagues.  I meditated, first thing in the morning, after yoga, and will after I finish writing this before I go to bed.  I took a few minutes on a break at work to journal, and then have written more tonight.  I went to Sheila’s Gentle afternoon yoga (my boss let me shift my schedule so I can do this on Wednesdays) and I got on the mat and moved my body in loving and mindful ways.  I felt myself keep slipping into judgement and self-loathing, when I noticed how my stomach would get in the way when trying to bend, how the size of my thighs prevent me from standing in a comfortable natural position as I should be, how the size of my arms don’t allow me to do arm movements the way I think I should.  I tried to keep reminding myself to just be where I am, that however much I could do was right for me and ok, and that “should-ing” all over myself wasn’t doing myself any good.  As I sat to meditate the tears started to flow.  My mind kept rushing to my body to my work worries to my packed schedule to beating myself up for thinking about these things and not focusing on my breath, and then to beating myself up for beating myself up, and then beating myself up for beating myself up about beating myself up… you get the picture.  I was weaving abusive stories, getting carried away in catastrophic thinking- but I was also working on, learning to, recognize them, and stop them.  Each time I felt my mind straying into these thoughts, I tried to gently recognize and release the thought, and focus on my breath.  So, hum. So, hum. So, hum.  I am, that.  I am, all that is.

I’m going to keep looking at my self-talk, and work on mindfulness in terms of my negative thoughts, speech, and action.  At first when I contemplated this program, I was focused on my fear of the physical aspects of the program.  Now I know that the inner journey is going to be intense and challenging, perhaps even more so than the asana practice.  I welcome that.  This is the path I am on.

Thank you for letting me share it with you, who are reading and sharing this journey with me.

Today after work I came home and headed out for a walk with the dog and Aimee with Connor in the carrier on her back.  We set out with no goal or destination in mind, and headed toward our local park.  We headed into the woods, and first explored a trail that we hadn’t been down before, and then headed toward the flag pole on the other side of the park, which is becoming a favorite routine.  It was a lovely afternoon.  Earlier in the day I was thinking, hey, I ran a 5K yesterday, I don’t need to work out today.  I can rest.  Later in the day, I thought about my post yesterday and how the movement I do is essential for my happiness and wellbeing, and asked Aimee to come for a walk for me.  I didn’t have to exercise- but I got to move and enjoy the beautiful weather, I chose to move my body.  Aimee and I talked about a lot of things, but at several moments we paused to reflect on how much more comfortable I feel in my body now.  I can take a walk in the park and it’s not about exertion- it’s about enjoying the park, being outdoors, and the company.  In the past, I couldn’t take an hour and a half walk anywhere without focusing on my aching, tired, sweating body. (Ok, maybe if that walk involved shopping.  I may have even asked Aimee to come with me to the park someday to run the stairs at the amphitheater, after realizing that I need some hill work.  I also warned her that I’ll probably deny that if she tried to hold me to it (and I know she will!)

Tomorrow I go to my first meeting of the 40 Days to a Life Makeover program, and begin my first day of 40 days of yoga!  I’m excited and scared.  I’ve been enjoying my yoga practice lately, and look forward to going into it more deeply.  With my recent change to a mostly vegan diet, this feels like the perfect time to detox, to center, and really be with myself in a new way, and to share in that with others.  I don’t have many expectations of the program other than that it will challenge me and provide me an opportunity to connect with others- beyond that, I’m keeping my mind open.  It’s unlike anything I’ve ever done.

A few things I’m excited to write about soon:
*Our adventures in gluten-free vegan cooking!  I’ve been sharing some of my dinners and lunchboxes on Facebook, and hope to go more in-depth here soon.  Part of the 40 Days program is a nutrition component, and it will be interesting to see how that melds with where I’ve been foodwise.
*Aimee and I recently made the decision to quit Weight Watchers, in part because of the pushing of so many processed foods, because of the value vs. price, but mostly because where we are headed with our nutrition and exercise is outside of the scope that most people at meetings can comprehend, so the support we’re looking for has become less and less available there.  I’ll talk more about my Weight Watcher experience, and also about my explorations with using Lose It as an alternate tracking system.
*We recently purchased a Withings scale, which automatically syncs our weighins with a website for tracking, as well as a blood pressure cuff that does the same.  Aimee and I also ordered each other Bodymedia readers for our anniversary gift, and I’ll be sharing our experience with those.

Today is my birthday, and this morning I got up bright and early, packed myself into the van with my family, and headed out to the True Colors 5K.  I picked this 5K as my birthday goal race not only because it was actually on my birthday but because it also supports a great organization that focuses on sexual minority youth- “True Colors works toward creating a world where youth, adults and families of all sexual orientations and gender identities are valued and affirmed.”  What a perfect race to celebrate my continuing self-acceptance, and commitment to my values!

It was the first milestone in my training for the Hartford Half Marathon, which is now only 5 months away.  The race today definitely let me know I need to kick it up a notch with my training if I want to complete the race, but it also gave me hope and encouragement.  Aimee and Micah were by my side throughout the race, which went over paved paths, over the grass, up and down rolling hills (which I’ve never really run before), through the woods, on rocky paths (which- ow!!- with my Vibrams Fivefingers Sprints!)… One of the most challenging parts for me was that the course was a double loop, so just when the finish line was in sight, I needed to do the loop again to be able to run through it!   Aimee and Micah did well in their role as cheerleaders, and were able to coach me through some of the rough spots when I wanted to stop.  I am really thankful to them for encouraging me even when I wanted to throw things at them.  It is really interesting to me that pushing myself physically brings up so much emotion for me.  I kept apologizing to them when I needed to slow down during the race, and they kept telling me I didn’t have to.  I think in a lot of ways I was also apologizing to myself- apologizing for having taken this long to take care of myself, apologizing for not starting on this path years ago.

After the race I grabbed some snacks, but I found that while the old me might have used the race as an excuse to just go for eating anything I wanted to because I had “earned” it, I was thinking, what does my body need?  What will I be ok with having eaten?  I stuck to a baggie of grapes and an apple juice- the fruit snacks I had grabbed had gelatin in them and a first ingredient of corn syrup, and the granola bar had gluten in it (note to self- probably not a bad idea to pack a gluten-free protein snack next time!)  As we sat a table and waited for awards to be announced, I logged what I was eating in my LoseIt tracker to see what I had available for lunch in my nutritional budget.  I had asked that we go down to It’s Only Natural in Middletown for lunch so I could have a celebratory lunch post-race that would allow me to eat vegan and gluten-free.  I had some wine and a delicious sweet potato enchilada with beans and rice, and tracked it soon after (along with the few bites of sweet potato fries and baked tofu I had from others plates).

The old me would not really found this food as something befitting a celebration.  Where was the cheese? The bacon? The decadence?  But I’m realizing that what I used to feel like were necessary indulgences, things that were keeping me happy, were just choices among many- and often not in line with my bigger needs and goals.  I’m realizing that it is easy to make an excuse to continue a habit, and far harder to break your patterns and question your motivations.  I am thankful to the  Zen Habits Sea Change program habit of mindful eating for helping me realize that.  Eating a gluten-free mostly vegan diet is hard, but it feels really right in how it makes me feel physically and emotionally.

I had had a rough week last week, with long days at work and stress, and a general gloom from the rainy weather.  I realized that I had gone several days in a row without exercise or without meditating, and without writing.  By Friday I was in tears and wondering why I was struggling so much with my depression and anxiety.  Talking with my family made me realize that not doing these acts of self care that I have been establishing in my life is like stopping medicine cold turkey.  Eating well, meditating, running, yoga- these have become essential parts of my life, that help keep me in balance and thriving.

This weekend of the Full Flower Moon, I am asking myself, who am I when I am in full bloom?  This year, I’m giving myself the chance to find out.  I have friends who did incredible things this weekend, from completing their first marathon to completing a Tough Mudder (check out this insane event! http://toughmudder.com).  I used to think, people who do this kind of stuff for fun must be crazy.  Now I’m starting to understand why someone would want to put themselves through physical challenge, and I’m excited to see where I decide to go this year.  Next up?  My 40 Days to a Life Makeover at Heartsong Yoga!

By the way, want to help me celebrate my birthday?  I challenge you to do something for your health that you’ve wanted to do but haven’t.  Whether it be signing up for a 5K, eating vegan for a day, meditating for 5 minutes in the morning for a week, or just deciding to stop when you’re full instead of having that last fry.  And let me know.  Your feedback and encouragement have been so inspiring. 

It’s been a month since I first started to make a habit of mindful eating as part of the Zen Habits Sea Change program.  When I started I knew that it would bring me more consciousness about some of my eating habits, perhaps put me more in touch with my cravings.  I had no clue that it would be as much of a gateway as it has been into some really needed (and terrifying) navel gazing.  The focus on what I am eating when, and why, and how, has opened up doors into the reasons behind a lot of my actions- both conscious and less thinking- and also into my core beliefs and life focuses.  As I continue and expand the exercise of mindful eating, I find that I am questioning every other aspect of how I live, from how I move my body to what I buy to how I interact with others to the state in which I keep my home to how I choose to spend my time to how I am parenting.  I have felt a profound shift that is bringing the actions of my life more into alignment with my most closely held philosophical beliefs, more attuned with my authentic self.

See? I wasn’t kidding when I said a more substantive post was brewing while I waxed poetic about my new lunchbox in last night’s post.

I’m not quite there yet- ready to say, this, here, is what I have learned.  But I’m ready to start writing about and sharing some of the insights and observations I am making.  In part I want to do share this process because I know that the act of writing for a perceived audience helps me think through, well, what I think.  I have found that dialogue- often over chat or email with friends and loved ones- is one of the ways I come into clarity about my perspectives.  It is why I have always valued friendships with people who question me and challenge me, and particularly with those people who are not ready to allow me to settle for the simple answer.  I see this blog less as a monologue in a vacuum and more as one part of a much larger dialogue.  Quite a few of you who have read what I have been writing have responded and helped me continue that dialogue, through comments and emails, through discussion when we see each other to chats on IM.  These moments have been illuminating for me- to see how much support I have in my life if only I choose to seek it out, to realize how often others are on parallel journeys, to uncover our shared humanity through these struggles.  I have enjoyed posting on the Zen Habits Sea Change forums, posting for my whole network on Facebook, and finding opportunities to continue the dialogue in person.  I know that, while I am alone in so much of the change I am making, going through this in community with others is so much more rewarding than not sharing, as scary as that vulnerability sometimes is.

This introspection and self-discovery has been a long time building.  There are quite a few other factors, beyond the mindful eating, involved in bringing me to where I am right now, at this moment of feeling wide open and ready for something.  I think it really started when I decided to quit graduate school, and when Aimee and I moved in with our other partners.  It was also precipitated by Aimee’s pregnancy and Connor’s birth.  It’s been continued by my diagnosis of Lyme disease and subsequent treatment and recovery, as well as my discovery of my gluten and lactose intolerances.  My more recent building of yoga, meditation, running, and writing practices- all things I have done at various times in my life but that I’m becoming more intentional and disciplined about- has informed and strengthened my positioning.

This Sunday, I turn 33.  To celebrate, I am running in a 5K with some of my family.  A week from today, as a gift to myself and from my family, I begin the 40 Days to a New Life program at Heartsong Yoga, which will include 40 days of daily yoga and meditation, as well as a focus on nutrition and overall wellbeing.  At the same time, I’ll be continuing with developing mindfulness eating practices through the Zen Habits Sea Change program.  It seems like exactly the right time for my to be embarking on this next leg of my journey.  I have a lot to explore and uncover, and it’s going to take a lot of work!  But I am present, and willing, and ready for that work.  Let’s go!   As much work as it is, it feels like something good is coming.